Babysitting
by CutewithAcapital-Q
Summary: What insanity will ensue when for one night Sirius and Remus are charged with the care of baby Harry? Find out!
1. Chapter 1

AN: Holy crappers it's been too LONG! I've been soo busy and typing stuff up is so tedious. But I miss you guys! and I've been bragging about this story since I started this account so here it is...well like half of it...but I'm going to try to power through the second bit but I'm dying to post something and I'm not going to get freakish hung up about fragmenting it for now, once everything's said and done I'll edit it into a one chapter.

Reviews are love!

I own nothing this is JK Rowling's cookie jar full of delicious cookie characters, I've only got my hand in it!

BABYSITTING!

Padfoot lumbered heavily on his black shaggy paws, through Godric's Hollow. In the dark distance he spotted the werewolf. He retreated into the shadows of buildings undetected. He watched his prey at the street's end. Padfoot stealthily slid across the dark. Once in the correct proximity he bounded forward.

Remus was minding his own business, on his own bench with his own book. He waited calmly, his wand light guiding his eyes across the words. Without warning of any kind a big furry load was dropped right into his lap. Caught completely off guard he rigidly opened his arms, chiding himself that he should have seen this coming, as Padfoot excitedly licked his face all over.

"Gert off me!" his cry was muffled by the dog's kisses. Finally he was able to get the huge puppy off his lap, then stood and flicked fur from his cloak, formally, "Come on then, we're going to be late." He jerked his head in a direction, and they began to walk, in silence. They rounded the corner and Remus stopped and unlatched the gate on the picket fence and held it open just long enough for the dog to trot into the front yard, then shut it securely again. The front yard, which stretched from the fence to the wooden porch of the grand cottage, was spacious and abundant of clipped grass and blooms of April. Geometric shapes of Flagstone fit together into a path up to the house, even in his other form Sirius enthusiastically challenged himself to hop only on the triangular stones. On the porch were an array of wicker patio furniture and a swing-seat creaking in the light breeze. The mahogany front door loomed tall over their heads.

Remus tapped his wand to the door, seconds later light was slowly flooding the windows and the muffled sounds of a family drifted into the silence. The door swung open to a jubilant man with dark unruly hair and half dressed.

"Mooney!" James exclaimed before Padfoot leapt into his open arms, "Oooff," and swiftly knocked him off his feet, "And Padfoot," he added breathlessly. The great dog then morphed into a devilishly handsome young man with long black hair.

"Ello Prongsie!" He greeted heartily, nose to nose with James, and then hopped back up on to the entry rug.

"Hello, James," Remus at last made his way into the house and gave James a quick friendly hug.

"Alright where is it?" Sirius swiveled his head about the room excitedly.

"Where's what mate?" James asked.

"The kid, you know my godkid."

"I think you mean Harry," a voice from above corrected. Lily descended the stair case, in regal green dressrobes, her red hair pulled into an elegant twist, holding a bundle of blankets.

"Lily!" Remus smiled graciously, "You look wonderful, though the baby doesn't match a thing."

"Really," she feigned disappointment, "Cause I was hoping his eyes would match my shoes."

"Evans!" Sirius regressed, "I'm open!" he held up his arms out wide for a pass.

"Pads, she's not going to toss you the baby!" James knocked him upside the head, disapproved, then added, "You're a beater, you don't catch you hit things."

"I subbed chaser a few times." Sirius countered.

"Here you go," Lily gently handed off the bundle of joy. Wide-eyed, Sirius took him up under the arms, so Harry's tired shoulders slumped up, and his little round face stared back dazed and confused.

"I want to thank you again for babysitting," She continued, "We haven't been out since, well since Harry came," she said thoughtfully, "Oh, Sirius, don't hold him like that," she abruptly scolded, and Sirius quickly brought Harry into his chest, "Hold him steady," and he fidgeted to fit her instructions, "support his head!" she urged over protectively, and Sirius compiled, so one arm was under the child's bottom and the other hand cradled his head, and Harry's tiny hands grasped the soft material of his shirt on his shoulder, "Oh, and—"

"Lil, he's fine," James interrupted, soothing the nervous mother.

"Alright," She nodded and sighed before turning to Remus, "Well, we'll be back around ten, he's already eaten, so you may need to burp him soon, and change his diaper. Um, He doesn't cry much, but don't let him stay up to late or else he gets fussy, then there's no telling what he'll do. Oh and he likes his yellow blanket and I sing him to sleep, oh and a warm bottle, there's one in the kitchen, the heating charm is written down. So Remus in an emergency—"

"Excuse me," Sirius cut in, "what about me, shouldn't I know what to do?"

"Of course you do," Remus nodded patronizing him, "It's just we all know I'm the one that's going to actually remember the information and be the one to use it in the event you do something."

"Well, what if it's the other way around and Moony screws up?"

They all stared at him for only a moment, "So Remus," Lily picked the topic back up as if Sirius hadn't said anything at all, "You can send me a message through my wand anytime I'll answer-"

"Oh she will," James commented quietly to Sirius.

"Feel free to ask for anything,"

"Please don't" James countered.

"All the contacts are in the kitchen labeled, and our home is your home, of course," she paused to think a moment, "and that's about it."

"Then let's go," James pressed, now fully dressed in his nicest robes, and cloak around his shoulder, and his wife's slung over his arm.

"Alright, Thanks again for this," Lily said nervously, she then hugged Remus warmly.

"It's our pleasure," He reassured her whole hearted, as they parted.

"Padfoot," Lily gave him an apologetic smile, for teasing him, and then a quick one armed hug as not to crush her baby. She then circled him to face her son, "Bye, Bye Harry." She said and then gave him a motherly kiss on top of his head, "Now you be good."

"Oh he'll be fine," Sirius said, switching shoulders.

"I was talking to you," Lily retorted with a cheeky smile.

"Moony," James thumped a grateful hand on Remus' back.

"Sirius," he repeated the gesture, a bit lighter, on his baby laden friend, "See you champ!"

"See you Prong—oh you were talkin' to the kid that time," Sirius finished in a mutter, and blushing.

They waved a final good-bye, and then the couple was gone.

"Oh thank Merlin they're gone," Sirius relaxed his hold and changed the baby's position once more, to simply lie in his arms, "Look at him Remus," he admired the baby, "He's all James, Lily gave him nothing."

"Except those eyes" Remus commented over Sirius' shoulder.

"Yeah and lets hope those eyes came with her vision." Sirius laughed, "It'd be such a pity he'd have to wear those stupid glasses."

"The real pity is the timing, I mean twenty years old, a baby on the edge of a war. It makes you wonder what his life is going to be like growing up."

"Hey that's nothing," Sirius softly bounced Harry in his arms, "You know my second cousin Molly?" Sirius began in a gossiping tone.

"The one married to the Weasley?"

"The one and only, she just had another a week ago."

"No!"

"Yes!"

"How many is that now?"

"Seven, I think."

"Let me guess it was a boy?"

"Actually Harry's got himself a girlfriend!"

"Sirius don't be silly," Remus rolled his eyes, "But it's about time they had a girl, six boys in a row."

"And there's a set of twins in there somewhere,"

"Well, as much as I'd like to be a Godfather, I hope James and Lily hold off on any more procreation," Remus said making his way to the couch to continue his reading.

"Moony, Moony, look he smiled at me!" Sirius followed him quickly to show Remus.

"Aww," Remus said sentimentally. Harry then giggled.

"And he's laughing at you!" Sirius laughed, "Oh Harry my boy, you're going to fit right in." There was no more sentiment in Remus, he sat and grabbed his book from his robes.

"He's so cute," Sirius continued taking a very close seat next to Remus on the couch, "Really I feel sorry for you."

"For me?"

"Well, yeah, I mean, think Moony, by the time Prongs and Lily get around to squeezing another one of these suckers out, that reservoir of good genes is going to be all dried up, and your god kid won't be nearly as good looking as mine."

"Sirius that is about the stupidest thing I've heard you say."

"Nonsense, I've said plenty more things stupider then that, besides I know your only saying it because my God kid's better then your." He finished in a sing-song voice.

"What Mine! It doesn't even exist yet," Remus exploded, "I don't even know if they're having another!"

"SHHH!" Sirius warned, "You're going to upset him!" Remus only rolled his eyes and tried to concentrate on the book. Sirius continued to bounce the baby on his knee, and then suddenly stopped.

"Umm…Remus," Sirius said in a quiet voice.

"Yes Sirius." Remus sighed, not looking up from the book, "What is it?"

"It went," Sirius said disgusted.

"What went where," Remus turned a page, bored.

"The baby…went in his pants." Remus' eyes opened wide, but continued to stare down at the book.

"Then change him." Remus responded patiently.

"No Way!"

"What?"

"You do it." Sirius urged.

"Pass." Remus responded immediately.

"Oh come now, Moony."

"Sirius, he's _your _adorablegod child. Now, man up change a diaper."

"Please," Sirius squeaked trying not to breath through his nose then said desperately, "What do I have to do?"

"Nothing, because no matter what you do I refuse to change him."

"Well, alright," Sirius said slyly, "I just hope you know what your going to say to Lily when she gets back and finds her baby's nappies full, and when he's crying in discomfort."

"What are you getting at?"

"Well she expects this of me, but you," Sirius clucked his tongue in disapproval, "You're the 'responsible' one, remember."

"Just give me the baby so I don't have to be in the same room as you," Remus said deadpan. Sirius sniggered with glee as he passed the tiny human dungbomb. The two went up the stairs and down the hallway, to the soft peach nursery. Remus set Harry down on the change table, and set about searching for the necessary supplies.

"Check the cupboard under the table," He heard Sirius say from the doorframe.

"What are you doing here," Remus snapped, grudgingly taking the instruction.

"Well I got bored, I came to watch."

"Ten seconds ago you couldn't be in the same room as the stink and now you're _watching_?"

"Well, now I know you're doing it I'm fine."

"Oh what a comfort," Remus said in gritted teeth, undoing the baby's outfit, and then carefully the dirtied diaper.

"UGH!" The adults groaned in unison, as the grotesque inners were revealed.

"Geh rid of id Moonbie!" Sirius cried with pinched nose.

Remus resisted the urge to barf as he folded up the offending package with the tips of his fingers, then as if on fire bounced it between finicky palms, "Where's the bin?" he panicked

"Ahh! I don't know What ever just make it disappear!"

"Disappear?" Remus' eyes were suddenly alight with an idea. He threw the diaper up into the air, and flung his wand out and cries, "Inkinratus!" and suddenly it burst into flames in the air.

"Good Show, Remus," Sirius breathed a sigh clapping him on the shoulder, "The bursting into flames bit was a little over the top for my taste, but really dazzling."

"Just get the new one on before he does it again."

"Oh hey look here, the bin!" Sirius said in earnest sidestepping to reveal a decorative receptacle in the corner of the room.

"Have I mentioned I hate you today?" Remus grinned sarcastically.

"No…no not today," Sirius replied thoughtfully.

"Well make yourself useful and wipe him off while I get the new diaper."

"What did I tell you…just like James." Sirius shook his head studying the half naked baby.

"Sirius, he's—oh, well we can cross our fingers the Evans men are a luckier group."

"Hey," Sirius nudged him playfully, "Maybe we could slip him some skelo-grow, y'know so he can grow a-"

"Sirius I have magically sealed your mouth before, I'm not opposed to doing it again!" Remus severely cut off his absolutely disgusting friend's excuse for joke, and then positioned the baby over the clean diaper.

"NO!"

"Sirius, don't worry it was just a warning."

"No, stop,"

"Why?"

"Because," Sirius snatched the diaper out of Remus' hands, "If you just put it on, he's going to get a rash on his bum."

"What like your fleas?"

"We agreed you'd never speak of that."

"Well what _do_ we do, oh wise rashed-bummed one?"

"You put the powder on first."

"Right, one more reason you really should be the one doing this job. How did you get to be so knowing?"

"I have a kid brother; you pick up on the skills watching the nannies."

"Ah…wait Regulus isn't that much younger how could have you possibly remember?"

""Yeah, the kid had a problem with using the loo for a good bit of time," Sirius confided, embarrassed for his own brother, then on a thoughtful note, "I've been considering sending a few snap shots into Who-know-Who's head quarters."

"So you haven't had contact with him?" Remus asked slowly, looking closely to his friend, as if searching for the truth.

"Far as I know he's disappeared of the face of the earth," Sirius answered matter-of-factly, then added darkly, "He made his choices long ago so have I."

"It's alright," Remus said in hopes of leveling the mood of the room, "Here, hold his legs up so I can do this," He then said holding up the canister of Mrs. Mim's Magic Baby powder. Sirius lifted Harry's legs by his toes and Remus turned the bottle over to squeezed, but nothing came out, "That's odd…" he said squeezing the bottle again and shook it a little over the bemused baby, but the results remained the same.

"Let me try," Sirius snatched it away, and began violently shaking it over zealously.

"Sirius—Sirius, Stop!" Remus threw a hand on to Sirius' arm, "It's obviously blocked."

"Right," Sirius righted the bottle and together the two of them began tampering with the lid.

"Do we just turn it, er does it pop off?"

"Err…Try it to the left. The Lef- the LEFT, Sirius"

"This is Left!"

"Never mind, give it here," Remus grabbed the top end of the powder and they began fighting for control of it. In the struggle Remus accidentally popped the cap off and white floral dust covered his face. Sirius let go of the bottle and laughed heartily at Remus' expense. Remus counted to ten silently to calm down. He blinked the powder out of his eyes impassively.

"Moony, you look ridiculous," Sirius laughed.

Remus said nothing, only turning the bottle toward Sirius and promptly squeezed. A cloud abruptly hid Sirius. The fragrant smoke cleared, and revealed a scowling dusty face with frosted lashes bordering a cold stare.

"Dammit."

Remus dumped the remaining powder on the baby, and replaced the diaper and fastened his clothes back on.

"We did it!" Sirius exclaimed, "We're amazing!" He shot up a dusted arm to for a high five. Just as they we're about to slap, Sirius pulled away, "After we wash our hands."

"Right," Remus nodded, disgusted. Scrambling to the bathroom, as Sirius went to the downstairs.

After scouring his hands thoroughly under hot water several times, Remus returned to the living room.

"Sirius?" He called, "Harry?"

He was beginning to feel uneasy checking empty room after empty room, "Padfoot?" He tried the living room again. Suddenly from behind the sofa, a monstrously huge dog bounded up into the air carrying the Harry on his back, obviously making Remus his landing target.

Sorry the dates are so screwed up, I Know Ginny's not born in April and I know Harry is technically eight months old, so he shouldn't be that small, and stuff but it only works to have it take place then and I know absolutely nothing about babies, so in my book a baby is a baby. But do tell what you think of this snipitt of it!


	2. next Instalment

So I realized I Never Finished this which was silly because I had most of it was typed up anyway, and I figured with the final movie coming out this week I ought to post something HP related and here it is, ten points to Gryffindor to who ever knows the reference I made in this bit! :)

"Oh N-" Remus began, but then the dog made contact with his chest and nailed him to the ground, sticking his landing perfectly. Air left Remus' lungs in a choking rush, as the gargantuan dog weighed down on him. The great canine gave him a slobbering lick then swiftly pushed off of his chest and continued to gallop around the house, bouncing the giggling baby all the way.

"Padfoot!" Remus got to his feet and chased after the dog. After lapping the first floor a few times Padfoot stopped, and bucked Harry off his back and he went tumbling into the air. Remus dived for the save and everything went into slow motion. Just before hitting the sofa cushions, he was able to snatch the baby out of flight. Time sped up again as Remus looked over the giggling baby for bruises. He sighed in relief finding no damage. He shifted from worried to angry, "PADFOOT!" The dog lumbered innocently around the corner.

"Change back this instant, I want to yell at you in person."

"What the hell were you thinking!"

"It was just a bit of fun, he's fine he had a good time!"

"Oh and what if it wasn't just some fun, what if he wasn't _fine?_ Changing a diaper's one thing but you know what's going to happen if he gets hurt?"

"Life as we know it will end?"

"No, try again."

"James will be beating us to a pulp?"

"Close but I'm more concerned about Lily's wand work." Remus said forebodingly.

"Yeah," Sirius remembered, beginning to absent mindedly itch his head, "Remember the Blubber Lips Jinx she gave that shoe salesman when she was pregnant? That bloke still has a lisp." Sirius shivered.

"Yeah…yeah," Remus agreed, more transfixed on his friend scratching, "And for heaven's sake stop scratching!" He finally exploded, "So help me if this baby has fleas it is on your head!"

"He doesn't have fleas, and neither do I!"

Harry began to fuss and whimper.

"Aww, the baby doesn't like when Uncle Sirius and Aunt Remus fight."

"Why am I Aunt!"

"Well let's face it, Moony you are the one more effeminate of the two of us."

"Wizards with pounds of hair product shalt not cast the first spell," Remus retorted.

"This," Sirius pointed to his head, "Is completely natural!"

"Oh right I forgot the 2% natural fragrant in your giant tube of sleek-easy."

"That's James' you can check the bathroom."

"Yeah just like the dung bomb in third year was James, and my jumper shredded to pieces the year after!"

"You're still hung up about that; I'll buy you a new jumper!"

"I don't want a new jumper!" Remus now resembled a child throwing a tantrum.

"What do you want?"

"I want you to own up to something for once in your life!" Harry's whimpers escalated into screams and the men were pulled out of their very loud discussion.

"Let's just get him to bed," Remus finalized, "Lily said she sings to him right?"

"Great idea Moony you've got a lovely singing voice," Sirius smiled patting his friend on the back, about to take off.

"Where are you going? You're singing too," Remus grabbed him by the collar of his shirt.

"I don't know what hell Lily sings to him."

"Well neither do I, so we're just going to have to figure something out," Remus reasoned resting the baby back into the crib.

"Alright, what about Crazy Castings?"

"By Sid Scylla? Sirius, that's an awful song."

"It's the only song I know all the lyrics to," Sirius shrugged.

"Lyrics that go 'Ohh I want to spank you like a hippogriff, you sexy witch?" Remus countered with deadpanned monotone.

"I would have had you bleeping the inappropriate material out, in the background," Sirius insisted, not seeing what was wrong with his plan whatsoever.

"How about a muggle song," Remus switched the conversation.

"I don't know any muggle songs."

"Maybe not all the lyrics, but you listen to my gramophone enough."

"Okay…"

"Just follow my lead," Remus waved him off, quickly setting Harry back into the crib, and standing up straight, "Boom…." He let out a low, round tone, looking expectantly to Sirius.

"Moony, what the Hell are you doing?" Sirius snapped.

"First I 'boom', then you 'boom', then me again, until we've got the rhythm."

"O….kay,"

"Boom,"

"Boom?"

"Boom,"

"Boom,"

"Boom,"

"Boom,"

"Boom,"

"Boom,"

"Boom," Remus the one count and the two sang in harmony.

"Boom, boom, boom, boom,"

"Boom,"

"Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom."

"Boom,"

"Boom, Boom, boom, boom- Mister Sandman," they began softly, "Bring me a dream,"

"Boom, boom, boom, boom," Sirius mumbled in the background, keeping the tempo, "make her the cutest that I've ever seen,"

"Boom, boom, boom, boom,"

"Give her two lips like roses and clover, and tell her those lonesome nights are over-" their singing subsided momentarily to lean into the crib. Harry was not crying anymore, and the desired effect was taking place, as the baby's eyes drooped, and he was dozing into sleep. Remus softly hushed Sirius and beckoned him out of the room. Just as Sirius toed the threshold Harry stirred, and a whimpering cry broke the silence. But only for the moment

"Boom,"

"Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom,"

"Boom,"

"Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom,"

"Boom,"

"Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, boom,"

"Boom,"

"Boom, boom, boom, boom,"

"Mister Sandman,"

"Yes?" Sirius answered, in a comical Baritone.

"I'm so alone. Don't have nobody to call my own" At this point they subconsciously swaying in sync with the song.

"Please turn on your magic beam. Mister Sandman, bring me a dream,"

"Mister Sandman, someone to hold, would be so peachy before we get old,"

With more bravado then the first time, "So turn on your magic beam, Mister Sandman, Bring me, Please Please bring me-"

"Mr. Sandman Bring me a DREAM!"

* * *

So there should be one more installment of this story but I hope you enjoyed it!


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